It's Time To Come Out of Hiding
In my last blog, I discussed Sari Solden and Michelle Frank’s concept called “brain shame” - that tendency to beat yourself up because your brain doesn’t let you accomplish what other women seem to do so easily. If you experience this, you’ll know that it can lead to some damaging consequences. As promised, today I’ll discuss Chapter 4 of The Radical Guide for Women With ADHD (see link below). Chapter 4 is titled Confront Your Hiding: Acknowledging Unspoken Rules for Women that Made You Hide.
According to Sari and Michelle,“The coping device most frequently used by the women with whom we work is not a better planner, list-making system, or electronic calendar-it’s hiding who they are from other people!” Wow. That makes me sad. My clients are some really interesting, intelligent, amazing human beings! Think of what the world is missing when people don’t let us experience and get to know who they really are.
Why do they hide? Maybe they see others who have similar traits being criticized and judged. They don’t want to get lumped in “that category”. Maybe they’re afraid of being different, upsetting the status quo. So, they withdraw from certain situations for fear of messing up. They say yes to things that should’ve been a no. They say no to things they could have been a yes.
Here are a few examples of holding back, or hiding, that Sari and Michelle list in Chapter 4. Would you agree with any of these statements?
*I don’t take risks at work.
*I turn down invitations.
*I go along with other people’s ideas or ways of doing things, even if it means quietly betraying my needs or myself.
*I push away opportunities that might put me in the spotlight.
As I mentioned in my last blog, women absorb rules and roles around what it means to be a “good” girl, wife, mother, friend. Traditional expectations of women as the ones who run the household and do most of the child rearing, the ones who nurture the bonds of friends and family, the ones who keep the traditions, are ingrained early on in life. Within cultures or individual families, there may be additional expectations, such as keeping your opinions to yourself, limiting activities outside the home or family, hosting holiday events in a certain fashion, or taking care of extended family members in addition to your own children.
These roles are challenging to fulfill for women with ADHD because they rely on advanced executive functioning skills-planning that party, scheduling kids appointments, organizing the house and sticking to a schedule. Asking for help feels uncomfortable. Others may view that as being needy or entitled. Asking for help sets us apart, makes us different and we just want to blend in and go with the flow. It’s often met with feedback, whether direct or indirect, through a facial expression, tone of voice or body language that sends a message: You’re breaking the rules, messing with tradition, making people uncomfortable.
As Sari and Michelle explain, “Women with ADHD don’t necessarily choose to act in non traditional ways- we simply don’t have a choice”. They have a clear message - “Hiding takes you out of your life.” It keeps you from creating the life that you crave; the life that works for you. The message is simple, but the work takes time. And it is work. Sari and Michelle have included exercises in their book to help you work through some of these challenges. If any of this sounds familiar, I strongly encourage you to read this book and to please come out of hiding. We’d love to get to know the real you:)
A Radical Guide for Women With ADHD: Embrace Neurodiversity, Live Boldly, and Break Through Barriers, by Sari Solden, MS and Michelle Frank, PsyD. You can find it on amazon.com
Suzanne Leon is a Certified Professional Coach who works with people affected by ADHD/ADD. Visit her website to learn more about the services she provides. Click here to learn about her private group for women with ADHD!